In Memorium Robert Ealey 1924 - 2001
THE BOOK OF JOBBING
GOD CREATES SIDEMEN
And the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable
for his orchestra, and he could find none; for in those days there were
many, and those that he could find were already working. Some worked the
with the House of Noah, and some had the Walls of Jericho house gig. And
many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and
So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many
musicians, but no Sidemen!" And the Lord did say, "Have you looked
everywhere? Did you call the Union?"
And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low,
only one or two could I find. What shall I do?" And the Lord did afflict
Nebulon with boils, saying, "Leave me to think on this!" And to buy time
did also visit a plague of locusts on Egypt.
And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the
land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen. And the Angels did go to
four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could
was one holy man in India who did play the Guitar with The Slide, but
could understand him.
The Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news, and filled with
he was. "How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen,
dead oxen does with maggots!" And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left
business, some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for
Leader." So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and
answer came to him.
He did recall that there was a factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field
division, that was in disuse. For it had been used to create golems, for
which there had been no great demand, and so He had closed down the
operation. And He thought, We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen.
And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly
But somehow a remnant of the golem program remained, and the Sidemen did
come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and stuttered, some talked
themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe. Some refused to
shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear
Jobbing Toga. And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their
chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons
with ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land
aimlessly looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of
hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose.
And some loved the fermented nectar of dates, and some the wine of
grapes, and some loved the burning of hemp. And some were created
ears, and some with knuckles where their eyebrows should be. And some
worship the gods Trane, Dolphy, Bird, Rashaan, Hodges, Bechet, Jaco,
Mahavishnu and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders. And some did steal
from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests had dined. And some
try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the Guests.
And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow. And some
no social skills, and some had no musical skills. And many of them were
Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the Outlook on Life. But
sometimes the line did produce a Perfect Sideman One who followed
without question, one who showed up on time, one who wore the Toga, one
whose chariot always ran, one who Knew Tunes. But the Perfect Sidemen
few, and their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were
and they knew not how to Hang.
And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs,
complaining and whining and arguing and stabbing each other in the back.
the Lord looked upon his work, and said, "It will do."
Czech decree under Nazi rule 1940 |
1. in the repertoire of light orchestras and dance
bands , pieces in fox-trot rhythm ( so-called swing ) are
not to exceed 20 % ;
2. in the repertoire of this so-called jazz type ,
preference is to be given to compositions in a major key
and to lyrics expressing joy in life ( Kraft durch Freude)
rather than Jewishly gloomy lyrics ;
3. as to the tempo , too , preference is to be given
to brisk compositions as opposed to slow ones ( so-called
blues ) ; however , the pace must not exceed a certain
degree of allegro commensurate with the Aryan sense for
discipline and moderation . On no account will negroid
excesses in tempo ( so-called hot jazz ) be permitted , or
in solo performances ( so-called breaks ) ;
4 . so-called jazz compositions may contain at the
most 10 % syncopation ; the remainder must form a natural
legato movement devoid of hysterical rhythmic reverses
characteristic of the music of the barbarian races and
conducive to dark instincts alien to the German people
( so-called riffs ) ;
5 . strictly forbidden is the use of instruments alien
to the German spirit ( e.g. , so-called cowbells ,
flex-a-tone , brushes , etc. ) as well as all mutes which
turn the noble sound of wind-brass instruments into a
Jewish-Freemasonric yell ( so-called wa-wa , in hat ,
6 . prohibited are so-called drum breaks longer than
half a bar in four quater beat ( except in stylized
military marches ) ;
7 . the double bass must be played soley with the bow
in so-called jazz compositions ; plucking of strings is
prohibited , since it is damaging to the instrument and
detrimental to Aryan musicality . If a so-called pizzacato
effect is absolutely desirable for the character of the
composition , let strict care be taken lest the string is
allowed to patter on the sordine , which is henceforth
8 . provocative rising to one's feet during solo
performances is forbidden ;
9 . musicians are likewise forbidden to make vocal
improvisations ( so-called scat ) ; and
10 . all light orchestras and dance bands are advised
to restrict the use of saxophones of all keys and to
substitute for them violon-celli , violas , or possibly a
suitable folk instrument .
Signed : Baldur von Blodheim
Reichsmusikfuhrer und Oberscharfuhrer
"There are two sides to a trumpeter's personality: there is the one that
lives only to lay waste to the woodwinds and strings, leaving them lying
blue and lifeless along the swath of destruction that is a trumpeter's
fury; then there's the dark side...."
1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.
2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)
3. If you don't know it, play harmony.
4. Double book, then choose.
5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.
6. Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.
7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.
8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).
9. Never smile.
10. Always complain.
11. Save all high notes for warming up before and after engagement.
12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement.
(One minute if you have equipment to set up.)
13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.
14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.
15. Always open spit valves over music.
16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.
17. Always worship dead jazz greats.
18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.
19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.
20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.
21. If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh.
22. Always bum a ride.
23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.
24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.
25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).
26. Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"?
27. Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.
Meet the Band updated on August 10, 2000.
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